My Side of Story... (Part 1)

Assalamualaikum wbt...

 

Lama sungguh tak menulis di ruangan ini. Memang malas nak share coz pelbagai rasa, peristiwa n incident yang berlaku sejak awal tahun ini. Tahun 2012 memang tahun yg penuh dgn cabaran serta dugaan dan juga nikmat serta hikmah yang Allah tunjukkan pada aku dan keluarga. Pada awal tahun mendapat berita yang gembira which is pregnant untuk kali ke-3, namun pada Februarinya keguguran kerana feotus stop growing at 5 weeks n terdapat 2 karung, xsure samada pregnant kembar atau karung tersplit dua. Below is salah satu karung yang telah keluar sempurna, ingatkan xperlu DnC but rupanya ada lagi karung di dalam rahim n its kosong dan perlu lalui DnC. Kali ni tak full bius but using epidural. Seksa guna epidural especially part nak masykkan jarum sepanjang 3 inci ke tulang belakang n utk kebah dari bius pun makan masa. Tak boleh gerak n bangun dari katil. Kaki kaku jer.

 

 

Selang tiga/empat bulan after DnC, berurut n mengamalkan pemakanan folic asid serta rezeki daripada Allah swt, sekali lagi dikurniakan berita yang sgt mengembirakan pada 13 Julai 2012. Kali ini lebih berhati-hati coz memang sgt mengharapkan zuriat seterusnya selepas berehat selama almost 6 yrs. Lama sungguh gapnya. Didnt tell anyone termasuk close family kerana tidak mahu cerita lama berulang kembali. Waited until pregnancy cecah usia 12 weeks n after scan the heartbeat then baru share the news with family n some close frens masa raya lepas.

 

 

 

Namun, 27 Ogos 2012 lalu, dikejutkan dengan satu berita yang amat tidak mahu didengar lansung oleh semua wanita. Pada tarikh tersebut ketika gembira untuk membuka BUKU MERAH for pregnancy monthly check-up, doktor telah mengesan breast lump atau ketulan pada breast kanan. Diarah untuk ke Hospital segera untuk membuat pemeriksaan lanjut. Sejak pada itu jugalah, frankly speaking i didnt enjoy my pregnancy coz my mind keep on thinking of can i survive if i've been diagnosed with xxx oohhh, i cant even say it. Keep on thinking of my 2 girls n my coming baby either will he/she be affected with the disease. Nauzubillah min zalik. Hanya Allah swt  sajalah yg ketahui betapa dukanya hati, setiap hari menangis n i lost of my appetite n sleep.

 

 

I blamed myself for not taking care of my health n weight. Aku rasa bersalah pada anak-anak jika aku tiada, siapalah yg akan menjaga mereka, who can give the love that i showered them with. No one will understand them better. Ohhh my babies, mama so sorry for not taking care of my health until it will affect u if anything happen to me. Everynite, i akan tenung n membelai2 them coz i dont know how long will it last for me to do the same nanti. Ya Allah! Kau sahajalah tempat aku mengadu dan memohon pertolongan.

 

 

Pada 20 September 2012, i diminta ke hospital untuk membuat detail check-up dan kali ini tiada kaitan dgn baby/pregnancy. The main subject matter now is BREAST LUMP. Setiap malam i buat pemeriksaan sendiri n YES there's a lump, i can feel it. I requested for female doctor. After she checked on me, she was not sure n i can see the worried look on her face. Not sure was only the excuse for seeking more opinion that she already have. She said she need to refer to her boss or more senior doctor n its a male doctor actually. Malu hanya Allah sahaja yg tahu tetapi aku perlu redha kerana mungkin hospital tiada doctor wanita yg pakar on breast lump. After he checked on me n did the ultrasound, immediately he instructed for detailed ultrasound by Radiologist n also Biopsy. From there, i already know that i'm really not in the good condition. Again, the worried look on him n lectured that he gave proved that i need to act immediately every now n then when i feel a lump not to wait anymore.

 

 

I can say that i'm quite strong coz i got through all the procedure by myself. Hubby said that he can accompany me but i insisted not to coz i still can manage my emotion. Allah knows what i've been through. Radiologist did the scan n she always refer to her fren n they talked in a very slow tune so that i could'nt listen to their conversation. Before i went to the hospital, i did my research n i heard several vacab that i familiar with such as benign, malignant, milk duct, mass lump, hetrogeneous etc. Surprisingly, in the ultrasound they found a lot of small lump that we cant even feel it coz tersembunyi since i'm having quite a bulky breast (I'm pregnant for 16weeks by the way).. I asked a lot of questions too so that i can get clear picture of my ultrasound n i can make my own research via google n youtube (thanks to them too). They said i'm having several benign which is harmless but the 2 lump with the size of less than 1cm worried them coz its 50-50 of cancerous/not cancerous cell. Mine is about to look like below (google picture). Its round/oval n darken.

 

 

Then, i need to undergo Biopsy, they poked a fine needle to the area n extracted fluid from it. This fluid will determine either the fluid contains cancerous/non-cancerous cell. The procedure looking exactly the same with below (also picture via google). The color of the fluid is clear. Then, i have to wait for the result n my next appointment is on 16 Oktober 2012.

 

 

I cant wait for the date n i called the hospital asking them to tell me the result by phone. I called pathalogy department n they said the result is ready but she cant tell me anything, only doctor can do that. I insisted the surgical depart' doctor to tell me the result by phone n he refused to do that since its not ethic/langgar procedure. I surrendered n admitted that i just need to wait. I asked for another date n they agreed to see me on 11 Oktober instead which is today....